Toilet Paper Queen

     I've always wanted to start a blog, but never had motivation to do it.  Now that I've been sentenced to sickness and the Internet seems to be my only comfort for this time, I have finally begun my blog.  I'm not sure how these usually start.  With a hello?  Um.  Hi.  Lets skip introductions now, but there will be more time for that later.  I promise you'll get to see what I'm really like as I post more.

SO.

     Here's where I am right now.  On a couch, where I've been since 7:30am this morning.  I heard my mom getting ready in the bathroom and it was hours before my alarm was supposed to go off.  I sleep until the afternoon since I work evenings.  With the sound of running water and footsteps running around, I couldn't fall back asleep.  I got up and began drinking coffee and drinking the news, but not really paying attention.  I've been on this couch all morning.  I have an excuse, though.  You see... I have a cold.  You may be thinking 'Yeah, so what?', but hear me out.  I haven't gotten sick in aaaaages.  Well, last summer, to be honest, and I don't think it was that bad, but I had antibiotics.  Anyways, when I'm sick.... I'm really sick and I'm a baby about it.  I will tough this one out, though, with medicine and rest and toilet paper.  Lots and lots of toilet paper.  Because I'm too cheap for Kleenex.  

     I'm sitting here with a roll of toilet paper at my side like it's my best friend.  As you can imagine, I'm sneezing every few minutes.  This results in a lot of snot.  Sexy, right?  It's really self assuring knowing that you have slimy snot demons seeping from your nose.  I like to think that each square of toilet paper is a soldier of my snot fighting army.  Mucus doesn't stand a chance, my toilet paper forces are too great!

    
      I definitely have this under control.  Hahahaa, I feel like the ruler of a toilet paper kingdom.  Disgusting, but I don't really give a fuck because I have a cold and I haven't showered and I'm still in pajamas and being surrounded by toilet paper is the least of my worries.  So, with that said... I hereby declare myself as The Queen of Toilet Paper!  Bow down to my papery wrath!!  Muahahahahaaa!  I'll be honest.  I'm not a very happy queen right now since colds are nothing to be happy about, but hey, if I'm going to be sick, why not have fun with it?  Maybe I'll make myself a crown of toilet paper.  And a dress, too.  How sweet would that be?  

     Yeah, this is what I'm imagining...

     Bad ass, right?  I think toilet paper is awesome.  Really.  It comes in different softness, different sizes.  We use it everyday when we go to the bathroom and to decorate stuff, like your neighbor's trees, even though they can't see how it's "art".  TOILET PAPER IS FUCKING SWEET.  You can't deny it.  People shouldn't take it for granted.  What if you didn't have any?  Then what would you do?  Yeah. You think about that.

STORY TIME!   

    So once upon a time, when I was in preschool, my brother was in second grade or something and he was supposed to be in the elementary school's 'Cinderella' play.  My parents and I were in the audience, waiting for the play to begin.  I'll say this right off the bat: I was a naughty preschooler and a master mischief maker.  Maybe I'll tell you more stories about that later on.  Anyways.  My cousin would babysit my brother and I often and he would let us watch whatever we wanted, which was usually 'Beavis and Butt-head'.  I loved how foul the show was and I was their biggest 4 year old fan.  Trying to sit still was difficult in the packed and dimly lit auditorium waiting for the play to begin.  I was giddy with excitement and bouncing in my seat.  The night before, I had watched an episode of 'Beavis and Butt-head' and a funny line from that show had been stuck in my head.  I decided I should share that infamous line with the rest of the audience...

     So I stood up on my chair, pulled my shirt over my head and belted, "I AM CORNHOLIO!  I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"  My parents pulled me down immediately and tried to scold me, but couldn't help laughing.  Some others in the audience were laughing, too.  I was full of pride for sharing this line with everyone.  And then the boring play started and at some point, the girl my brother was dancing with was grossed out by him because he sneezed or wiped a booger on her or something.  Could've used some toilet paper then.

SEE?  Toilet paper is GREAT.  Now, bow down to your queen!!  D:<

<3

- if.